All I want is a new passport... Not a trip to Saudi.

It seems that my intensive travelling of the past 12 months has taken a toll on my passport, leaving me with only a couple of pages left for those nice stamps I love collecting every time I enter or exit a different country.

Since there is no portuguese embassy or consulate in Dubai (or in the whole of the United Arab Emirates may I add) I humbly called the Portuguese Embassy in Saudi Arabia. For those of you who dont know it, that is the embassy that is supposed to take care of portuguese in the UAE, eventhough we are more than 1000 in the country...

I quickly google for it and end up getting into 3 or 4 different websites which have the Embassy's number.
But, it turns out the number is either not working (as the nice arabic lady tells me on the other side of the line) or its a fax number...
Anyway, it happens, right? They changed their contact details and forgot to update it on relevant websites. Easy peasy. I try the Ministry of Foreign Affairs website... and I found the new numbers.

I dial it hoping it wont be a wrong number once again.

This time I am lucky and this sweet voice answers my call... "Portuguese Embassy may I help you?"
I ask her if she speaks portuguese, so that I can quickly start explaining what I want and get it all over.
Her answer "yes, no."
Humm.
Not exactly what I was expecting... "I beg your pardon? So, do you or do you not speak portuguese? Didnt I just call the portuguese embassy?"
She confirms my expectation. " Sorry mam, I dont speak Portuguese. May I still help you?"
I go ahead and explain her what I am after and she quickly transfers me to the right department, the Consulate.

Cool, I think. Not that hard to go through and there isnt all those silly rules of calling at certain timings and days for certain topics, as you normally expect from embassies.

It turns out she transfers me to another lady.
I ask her the same question "Do you speak portuguese?"
Honestly, this time, I was only asking the question to be polite. Of course she would speak Portuguese!! Afterall, she works in the Consulate, attending to portuguese people living abroad.

I had already started with my request in portuguese, when I hear her answer halfway.
"No, I dont speak portuguese. May I help you?"
"No??!!! Are you joking??!! What the hell are you doing working there, then? Shouldnt we be employing all those nice portuguese expat wifes who dont have jobs in Saudi Arabia in order to increase portuguese remittances?" I (sarcastically) think... but dont say it out loud.

I try to ignore it all and just ask her about the process for getting my new passport.
I wanted the answer to all those trivial questions: how many pics you'll need, how long does it takes, should I use DHL or Fedex to send the documents(yes, it was be a tricky question, just to see if they still hold an account with DHL), etc.

But then she starts with "well, we have the new system, you know?"
No, I dont know and I dont care. And I dont feel like having to hear how long it took you all to be familiar with the system and how only one of you really gets how it works and that he is on his lunch break. You know... typical public service behavior.

How naive of me.

Afterall, what she was trying to tell me is that the new system, for the biometric passport, requires your presence!! I mean, it requires your presence in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia!!

I gently try to explain her that I am not in Saudi. That I am, in fact, in Dubai and that the common rule is that no woman is allowed into Saudi except if it goes with her husband or brother or has a really nice job, working for a really good company that has big local family as a sponsor. (Yes, I am talking about me. But, trust me, that is one in a million situation). Anyway, all things she should know way better than me, as she lives there and works in a Consulate, for crying out loud!

She understands what I am saying but tells me I have no other option. Anyway, she will transfer me to the consul, that he might help.
I can see from his accent that he definitely talks portuguese, but I also doubt he is the consul. I start explaining it all once again.

He sounds perplexed over the phone with my questioning, almost bothered with the fact that I actually have questions about such a normal occurence. "Just go the embassy" he says.
"But there is no embassy here... thats why I am calling you"
"No, no no. Not the portuguese embassy, you'll have to go the Saudi Embassy in the UAE and get a visa. If there isnt one in Dubai then you'll have to go to Abu Dhabi"

My turn to be perplexed with his "simplicity". I ask him how does he expect me to get a visa under such circumstances. Am I the only one here that knows how hard it is to get a Saudi visa, even for males?
"Oh, we dont know", he replies back. "That is not part of the services we provide" (???? wtf???) you will have to deal directly with the embassy there and try to explain them the situation". The only other option you have is to get a temporary 6 months visa and keep renewing it when its expired"

I breathe in and out and and try not to hyperventilate as I am trying to leave the hardcore ventilation to that moment in time in which I will be pregnant. ( I know, I know.. I am so thoughtful).

Besides, he did offer an alternative which isnt completely ridiculous.

I evaluate my options. Either I start screaming at his incompetence and the fact that it is ridiculous that there is no embassy/consulate in the UAE (or at least an agreement with any of the other European countries embassies in the UAE) or I politely hang up the phone.

I hung up.