Friday, January 07, 2005

Decisions, uncertainties, next steps and all that bla bla bla

Sometimes you feel like you have your entire life figured out.
However that is not the way I feel now.. And this is a strange feeling for someone that always likes to know what is up ahead, way in advance.
I wonder what is up ahead now, and that uncertainty just frightens me.

Spent the entire night having dreams about things I dont want to think about during daytime, so I guess my conscience is really forcing me to wake up and react.

Some days I am sure I want to stay where I am.. Lisbon, Madrid.. loving it. Sometimes I just feel like I am stuck here instead of being far away in another country long time ago.

When I started my current job it was supposed to be a 3 month maximum routine, while I was looking for my traineeship abroad. More than 6 months have passed now..

Sometimes I think why didnt I go for an MC abroad? I still miss AIESEC.. and I would be in a different country too. But then again, my time has passed.

So I find myself in a permanent question mark, with exclamation points somewhere in the middle...
The curious thing is that right after my "2004 Evaluation and 2005 Objectives" exercise, at one of my dearest places, I was quite sure of my path until September 2005. It was water clean!!

Today I woke up and that feeling is not there anymore!
DAMN! urghh..

1 comment:

Aloke said...

Hi Ana! Long time no see indeed!
Quite an interesting blog you have out there! :)

Was reading through your entry and my mind raced to this one mail I had received from a dear friend a while ago... and I think you need it now :)

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

And trust me on that one!

Cheers and good luck!